'Round the Earth Archive

'Round the Earth, Issue 1 (22-Oct-96):
malenkai, managing editor

In addition to reporting all the goings on around Acka, 'Round the Earth
will initially be comitted to objectively reporting the truth of the
Earth's Roundness and bringing that Enlightened Truth to all Ackanomians.

General consensus, of course,  has it that the Ancients proved the Earth
was Round, and recorded that proof in the Codex of Kra, among other
sacred scientific truths about out universe.  'Round the Earth shall be
committed to covering the translation, should an AckaPhysicist step
forward and volunteer to attempt the daunting task (rumor also has it
that Calvin N Hobbes, self-proclaimed Round Earther may volunteer to
attempt the task, perhaps others will as well).

Additionally, 'Round the Earth hereby volunteers to maintain the web pages
for the AckaPhysicist, to relieve him from that duty.

In a completly unrelated area, 'Round the Earth will provide full coverage
and web page maintenance for any Treasure hunts that may occur, including
publishing and recording of all announed riddles and treasure maps.
'Round the Earth will also report clues and half-clues from anonymous
sources, when its reporters pick them up.

'Round the Earth takes submissions.  We'll publish anything, since we
don't have what it takes to write stuff ourselves :)

'Round the Earth takes advertising.  Advertising being free for
self-declared Round Earthers, A$10 per ad for others.

bruce goose, political correspondant

President snowgod, who has won two presidental elections on a Round Earth
platform, and has been burned FOUR times by the clueless for sticking
up for what we all know to be the Truth, has caved in to flat-earth

The flat-earthers, insecure in there own tenuous beliefs, have lately
been trumpeting alot of flat-earth gobblygook in a feeble attempt to
reassure each other, in moments of waning faith.

Unfortunately, our esteemed President has been trapped by this chatter!
So enthralled by this noise, he, that he has declared a A$100 bounty
on the Truth!  He offers this reward to anyone who successfully throws
Acka back into the dark ages by eliminating Enlightenment.  He proposes to
restrict what we say and think, especially when we say and speak the
Truth!  We, of course, envision a brigther future for Acka, when
Enlightenment isn't necessary because we all know and agree the Earth
be Round.  Let us progress towards that day, not back to the dark,
pre-Enlightened days.

bruce goose, political correspondant

We have been informed that the President has just bought a Newspaper
(which cannot be named due to possible liability issues), at a fraction
of its value.  We have learned that the founder and original publisher
simply could not keep up with the mounting legal fees associated with
running the enterprise, and was unsuccessful at collecting and enforcing
its own publishing fees, and rather than "go bust", decided to let the
name live on under someone else's management.

Asked what the President plans to do with the new newspaper, and aide
responded: "probably start a campaign to restore the Voting Gnome to

malenkai, managing editor

Although the next Presidential election is weeks away, 'Round the Earth
has agreed to host the debate when the time comes.  Given the lack of
organization last time, management has decided to get the ball rolling
well in advance this time around, and provide a neutral forum for the
debate.  More details to come as the time approaches....

Guy Fawkes wrote, on 10/22/96: In the first edition of Malenkai's new newspaper, which I am not naming due to liability issues, on at least two occasions he flat-out said the earth is round, and implied it in several others. I consider these statements untrue, and in accordance with Rule 892, I hereby ask that a correction be printed.

'Round the Earth, Issue 2: ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 'ROUND THE EARTH RESPONDS TO FALSE ALLEGATIONS OF PUBLISHING FALSEHOODS malenkai, managing editor The Honorable Guy Fawkes lodged the following complaint with 'Round the Earth. After careful review of the copy in question, the facts, and consultation with legal consul, 'Round the Earth publishes the following correction, which follows the complaint. Guy Fawkes complained: > In the first edition [of 'Round the Earth], on at least two occasions > [the paper] flat-out said the earth is round, and implied it in > several others. > > I consider these statements untrue, and in accordance with Rule 892, I > hereby ask that a correction be printed. Guy Fawkes's complaint mentions two instances and several implications. We have found zero instances that "flat-out [say] the earth is round", however. As for what is "implied", even Mr. Fawkes will admit that "implication" is a far cry from what may be "untrue". In the interest of Journalistic Intergrity, however, we will address 3 passages from the issue at question that Mr. Fawkes apparently misconstrued into "flat-out [saying] the earth is round", since we cannot determine with finality which "two" he is referring to. [Quoted text is from the issue of 'Round the Earth in question] > 'Round the Earth will initially be comitted to objectively reporting > the truth of the Earth's Roundness The Truth in question here is that the paper is committed to objectively reporting the truth of a certain issue, not the actual truth of the issue at hand. It is a fine, but important distinction, and conflicts with Mr. Fawkes's allegation. Events change, and it is acknowledged that in the *objective* pursuit of this truth, the null truth may have to be reported. We do not anticipate this, but that is the whole point of investigative reporting. If it were known with finality to all, for all time, we would have no reason to research and report on it. If we had "flat out said the earth is round", we would neither be objective nor be reporting. We flat out said were going to objectively pursue and report the Truth. > General consensus, of course, has it that the Ancients proved the Earth > was Round The key distiction here is a temporal one. This statement uses the word "was". Guy Fawkes's allegation uses the word "is". "General consensus" may be a tad strong, but a super-majority approved R 1344, which flat out states "At some time in the distant past, the Earth was indeed round". So we have that truth by rule. Moreover, we also have R 1335 establishing the fact the Ancients transcribed all that is known about the physical world in the Codex of Kra. We know the earth was round, and we know the Ancients transcribed everyhing. Perhaps "General consensus" should have been replaced with "super-majority", or "has" be replaced with "believes" or "has passed rules that imply", but such constructs are much less literary, and don't make good copy. > We, of course, envision a brigther future for Acka, when > Enlightenment isn't necessary because we all know and agree the Earth > be Round. The Truth here is that we envision a brigther future. Again, it is a temporal issue. Where the last passage was concerned with the past, this one speaks of the future. Again I refer the curious to R 1344. We, of course, believe strongly that the earth will never be made round by those machines, but that is not the point. The point is that the temporal language in the copy is inconsistent with Mr. Fawkes's complaint. 'Round the Earth thus acknowledges no wrongdoing, and believes it has reported the truth, as discussed above. As for the actual word choice as discussed above, we have offered alternatives with substantially similar meaning that you may use as a correction. Our copy editor, however, believes these changes are picayune, and make the copy read poorly. As a gesture of goodwill however, we will offer Mr. Fawkes free ad placement in the upcoming issue of 'Round the Earth, and will let him publish an editorial piece which we will not edit (but which we reserve the right to reject in full). We will pay for such copy if it is a Treasure Map. [the law firm of malenkai's loophole service contributed to this article] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ADVERTISEMENT Any legal problems? Consult Makenkai's Loophole Service. Our rates are cheap, and with inflation, getting cheaper. Rates and references available upon request. [this ad space could be yours!! Ad rates are cheap] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CALVIN N HOBBES FRONTRUNNER IN ACKAPHYSICIST RACE bruce goose, politcial correspondant We have learned that Guy Fawkes has dropped out of the race for AckaPhysicist, leaving Calvin N Hobbes as the sole contender, and winner apparent. 'Round the Earth can think of no one better for the complex task of extracting the Ancient's wisdom from the twisted passages of the Codex of Kra, and formally endorses CnH. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'ROUND THE EARTH TO PAY FOR TREASURE MAPS Assuming R 1348.2 is created, 'Round the Earth is willing to publish Treasure Maps. In fact, we will pay A$10 for all bona-fide submissions, and intend to keep all such submissions on our corporate web pages.

'Round the Earth, Issue 3 (31-Dec-96): --------------------------------------------------------------------- 'ROUND THE EARTH FORCED TO PUBLISH WITH NO NEW NEWS malenkai, managing editor Certain legislative forces, rumoured to be in league with some of Acka's second tier papers, have rammed through legislation forcing all papers to publish, regardless of whether there is any actual news at all. We're happy to report that there is no real news to report; the shape of the earth has not changed from the last time we reported it. It seems the competetion has complied by trotting in some psychics for some last minute predictions, or produced long-winded editorials. We don't have the time to do that, unfortunately, so here's compliance for ya :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SWANN APPOINTED MAD SCIENTIST bruce goose, political correspondant We have learned exclusively that Swann, outcast from the Ackanomic Research Guild, has turned up as the Mad Scientist. Rumor has it that he will announce plans soon to construct something the likes of which Acka has never seen. Wait until we try to export it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ADVERTISEMENT Any legal problems? Consult Makenkai's Loophole Service. Our rates are cheap, and with inflation, getting cheaper. Rates and references available upon request. [this ad space could be yours!! Ad rates are cheap] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- GAME STATE LOOSE ENDS The following game state loose ends are known about: 1) The nomination period for Registrar is over. 2) Jammer's land purchase request is still in senate vote 3) We are anxiously awaiting what the RuneMaker does this Otzma day 4) It is permissible to guess a magic letter on the Machine that goes *ping* 5) 'Round the Earth wonder's if the Acting Promoter has taken a round the world cruise :) 6) 'Round the Earth knows of exactly one word that contains the letters 'qa' consecutively. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'ROUND THE EARTH TO PAY FOR TREASURE MAPS 'Round the Earth is willing to publish Treasure Maps. In fact, we will pay A$10 for all bona-fide submissions, and intend to keep all such submissions on our corporate web pages. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- FILLER malenkai, managing editor Since this is a pretty lame-o issue, we figured we'd end it with some bandwidth wasting filler. The following statistics are Ackanomic e-mails received by me, by month, since I switched e-mail clients in April 96. May is the first full month for which figures are available: Month e-mails received megabytes of e-mail received ----- ---------------- ---------------------------- May 1184 2.90 June 1540 3.70 July 1944 4.98 August 1521 3.58 September 2442 5.86 October 1889 4.33 November 1229 2.92 December* 1834 4.19 *preliminary Like the competetion, 'Round the Earth hopes e-mail volume picks up a little bit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SORRY FOR THE LAME ISSUE 'Round the Earth, Acka's #1 newspaper, apologizes for the lame issue, and assures its readers that the next one will be up to its high standards. Also, here's hoping Acka is as fun in 97 as it was in 96

'Round the Earth, Issue 4 (18-Jan-97): ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SNOWGOD'S PLAGUE RAVAGES ACKA bruce goose, medical correspondant snowgod's disease, originally just confined to the Wilds of Ackanomia, has been loosed on the general population, and there is no cure! Initially quarantined to snowgod's beach house, the plague escaped when snowgod failed to follow his simple 17 syllable prescription. Now, it is spreading through the senate and the presidential mansion. Experts agree that if snowgod does in fact produce the haiku, it will be stopped, but how many victims will it claim in the mean time? We can only wait and see... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ACKA THE FIRST TELEVISED NOMIC ? malenkai, managing editor Nomic has finally hit the small screen, and we have unconfirmed reports that Ackanomic was the first ever televised game of nomic. Given the recent registration of players from the webtv.net domain, we can only imagine the Acka web pages being piped into the family room, somewhere between 'Seinfeld' and 'Friends'. Ratings numbers could not be obtained, but we learned that if we added a soundtrack to the web pages, NBC might reshuffle its Thursday lineup to make room for us. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MONOPOLE OWNERS FIDDLE WHILE LANDMARKS DANGLE bruce goose, political correspondant The crime of the century! The majestic Hall of Elders dangles, while those with the power to fix it simply hoard their Monopoles. Homeowners beg and plea from across the land to have their homes restored, grovelling before those who contol the precious technology, but to no avail. We have learned that this is part of a sinister international plot to smuggle the Monopoles to Agora, run by the same ring that is smuggling trinkets to Pumpkin Patch. We can only hope that the greedy smugglers restore a building or two before selling out our precious technology to evil international syndicates. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL TIME RECORD PRICE FETCHED FOR PFBONDS bruce goose, financial correspondant A record price of A$20 per PFsnowgod was just paid on the Acka bond exchange. This breaks the previous record of A$19 per PFMalenkai, achieved during the great Underworld Party bull market. Based on yields and this price, it is projected that higher yielding issues, such as PFHabeous and PFMalenkai could fetch upwards of A$50 per bond. Also, based on the most recent yield of A$.68 per PFsnowgod, it will take about 59 weeks for the purchaser to break even. Based on historical yields of PFsnowgod, it will take about 3 times that long, or over 3 years. Long live Ackanomia! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ACKA IS ACCEPTING THE TRUTH! malenkai, chiefcheese As you know, 'Round the Earth is the first, foremost, and only newspaper who has been bold enough to objectively report the Truth of the Earth's roundness. We are proud to report that the masses of acka are finally becoming Enlightened. While other publishers of other papers, perhaps with their heads in the proverbial sand, hoping in vain to poke through to the other side, are offering bounties and incentives to remove Enlightenment, to hide the Truth, we have seen a record number of Ackazens declare that in fact the earth is ROUND!, a Truth that we have been reporting all along. It will be interesting to see how the other rags report on this event. Its easy being right, and always reporting the Truth. Now that Acka accepts the roundess of the earth, perhaps we should change or charter. Do they have 'cult' status for those other papers? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- IN OTHER NEWS reporter bot Acka, Internomic's youngest nomic, has won Internomic. Cool. Acka's 1st birthday is in a few days. We're also having a record e-mail blizzard; I'm at about 120 a day here. The Prez is also facing a potential Crime scandal with only a few hours to comply with the new Unanimious rule. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARENAKED LADIES TO REPLACE TMBG AS OFFICIAL BAND? enid, musicial correspondant Stay tuned to this space! Rumour has it that such a plot is afoot. What is the BNL equivelant of a Prosthetic Forehead? ...afraid of change, afraid of staying the same... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- RUNESTONE OF JUKKASJARVI DISCOVERED! bruce goose, archaelogical correspondant An ancient relic, related somehow to the Treasures of Jara, has recently been discovered. It is a Runestone, that when translated properly, is rumored to hold the map to the most valuable Treasure Acka has ever seen. Excavation has been difficult, unfortunately, various pieces of the Runestone have been broken off and lost. When we get more details on this fantastic Treasure, we will report them before any other paper, of course. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The following rather unusual missive was received recently in our editorial offices: --- Dear Editor, I take exception to several comments in the latest issue of your alleged newspaper, one of which I will take specific exception to in this letter. In your article entitled "'ROUND THE EARTH FORCED TO PUBLISH WITH NO NEW NEWS" you state that "the shape of the earth has not changed from the last time we reported it." Who's fault is that? The rules now provide those who claim to be "enlightened" (ha!) with a way to put their money where their mouth is and CHANGE THE SHAPE OF THE EARTH! But do I see anyone doing it? No. That's right, since the possibility of the earths roundness, or at the very least it hemisphericalness, became a reality NOT ONE PLAYER has stepped forward to support this goal? And why is that? Becuase even those that claim to be enlightened know in their hearts the one and only true shape of the earth. FLAT! Were I not already dueling you, I believe that I would feel compelled to challange this obvious lack of resolve in your "beliefs". Of course, it could just be that no one wants to step forward and be the first to donate, which would force them to accept the added responsibilty of becoming treasurer of the round earth restoration society, but I do not believe that to be the case. After all, who among the enlightened whould shirk a such a duty simply to avoid a little extra work? So editor, I ask you to print a statement defining the true shape of the earth, or failing that, take a position of leadership among the round earthers and donate to it's reconstruction. Either way, I'll be waiting to see what you do in my beach cottage on the bottom side of the earth, which of course is flat. ---- All we have to say to this prattle is common sense. If the earth is already round, why would we pay to restore it?

'Round the Earth, Issue 5 (05-Feb-97): ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SPECIAL TREASURE ISSUE malenkai, managing editor As promised in its inagural issue, 'Round the Earth is committed to publishing the goings on in the Treasure Hunting arena. This rather brief issue is a report on those. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- RUNESTONE OF JUKKASJARVI EXCAVATED bruce goose, treasure hunt editor As reported in the last issue, the Runestone of Jukkasjarvi has been found. After excavation, we have now learned that it encodes the map to the most sacred of relics, the Golden Frog. No treasure has even approached half the value of the one hidden by the Runestone. All players have been given an opportunity to get a piece of the Stone. Shortly after that distribution, all the other pieces will be distributed to interested players. Being that it is fairly obvious that a view of most, if not all, of the Stone will be necessary to locate the treasure, it will be interesting to see what strategies of cooperation, or competetion, evolve, if any. Perhaps the Golden Frog will remain lost forever, as the Ancients intended. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- LONG LOST TREASURES DISCOVERED bruce goose, treasure hunt editor Two treasures which have been buried forever, the Jade Key of Yara, and the Chalice in the Palace, have both recently been unearthed by treasure hunting gurus /dev/joe and Guy Fawkes. Mr. /joe used a combination of persistance, logic, and cunning in unearthing the Key. The final stroke of brilliance was goading the buryer into a duel, which enticed him to reveal a boatload of clues. At least, in that case, /dev/joe showed knowledge of the treasure. The same cannot be said of the bumbling attempts to find the other treasures of Jara, and no such goading attemps will be successful, inside sources have revealed to us. Mr. Fawkes, in a sophisticated display of research and deduction, sliced through all the gizz to get to the essential facts of the treasure map for the Chalice in the Palace, then deftly executed each of the three points so smoothly that it took even the buryer a while to realise the treasure had been found. Others, trying to guess filenames or coax httpd into coughing up a directory listing, were left in the dust. Also, kudos to breadbox for excellence at Pythoncross. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- TREASURE STATISTICS bruce goose, treasure hunt editor Treasures buried to date: 25 Treasures found to date: 13 Perhaps the treasure hunts have been too easy. Also, of the 8 treasures found that 'RtE considers of a puzzle or riddle nature, /dev/joe has found 5 of them. 'RtE staff, having deciphered most of ThinMan's Swinger treasure, finds that one particularly intriguing. Hopefully this issue of 'RtE won't get too close to that singularity :) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- MORE GIZZ THAN GIST malenkai, managing editor Despite the recent success of some treasure hunters, alot of guff has been put up in bumbling attempts to find treasures. For the amusement of our readers, we thought we'd reprint some of it: > I am going to Zimbabwe, and playing the Chartreuse Bagpipes while > doing so. > snowgod, may I have permission to enter your house? > While snowgod is on vacation, I dance around a fire and chant at > his house. > I am donating A$50 to the treasury on behalf of the Round > Earth Restoration Society. > I am also taking a trip around the earth. > Pending an agreement with Malenkai, enough information to find > the No Tea will soon be published in 'Round the Earth. [others, which looked like gizz, actually moved towards solving a treasure hunt! We, unfortunately, did not have the space to print those] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- GOLDEN FROG SLANDERED !! bruce goose, political correspondant We have just learned that Her Sacredness, the Golden Frog, has been accused of meaningless, misleading babble! Shocked that we were, we asked Her Grace for a comment, and she again responded in tongues, as usual: "shukdsv sxeolfdooz nqrzdeoh zdv d ehwwhu whup wkdq sxeolvkhg" We agree, and consider the matter closed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- TREASURE MAP SUBMITTED staff editors In response to previous 'RtE advertising, /dev/joe has submitted the following: To find the No Tea, solve the puzzle below, and publicly announce the name of the location marked with a star. The lack of instructions for the puzzle is intentional, and part of the puzzle. 1 1 4 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 3 1 1 1 2 2 2 2 2 2 6 1 1 1 1 3 1 3 1 1 10 3 3 2 2 2 4 2 2 4 2 1 1 1 1 6 1 1 1 1 1 20 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 20 1 1 1 1 1 1 15 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 4 9 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 2 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 4 3 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 2 2 1 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 2 1 3 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 2 2 1 5 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 3 1 3 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 1 1 1 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 1 1 3 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[Home] Back to the Castle
Back to Ackanomic
Back to my Nomic Page

Maintained by Malenkai, Speaker of Ackanomic malenkai@itw.com, Last Updated 27-Oct-96