The Big White Gazette

"Wasting Bandwidth since before most of you whippersnappers even joined the game"


Back in September, while the editorial offices of the Gazette were in disarray(we were moving), we received a message from Mr. Lunatic Fringe, well-known Undead and Zombie.

> Alfvaen, I might have a scoop for the Big White Gazzette if you are
> interested.  I just sold a picture-book manuscript to a publisher.  If you
> are interested in running "DEAD GUY MAKES GOOD" or something, you are
> welcome to print the text (it will be 8 months before I even see dummies
> with the illustration) of my story in the BWG.

>Be the first on you[sic] block to read "Hot Dogs Delicious" soon to be a
>picture book by Phil Ackley, reprinted here in it's[sic] entirety.


by Phil Ackley
Grandma used to be a school lunch lady with a scary striped uniform and a splintered wooden spoon. When she retired they made her give back the uniform. She was supposed to turn in her School Cookbook too, but when I rummaged through her kitchen once I saw it hidden under the sink.

The book was old and caked with tomato sauce, grease, and lima bean squishies. "Warning!" read the first page , "Recipes contained herein may be unsuitable for human consumption. Serve only to unsuspecting students." I know because I picked the lock holding the book closed.

Boy, am I sorry I snooped. On the second page was a recipe for

Cream of Sour Cream

1 cup of feta cheese
3 tablespoons of dijon mustard.
1 cup of skim milk
1 small platypus
2 pounds of Ore-Ida® French Fries
1 pounds of beets
1 loaf of bread
3 sesame sticks
1 vat of sour cream
1 dash of fresh oregano (may substitute stale)
1 pinch of parsley

Pour vat of sour cream into kettle. Cut platypus into bite-sized cubes and stir into sour cream. Dump french fries in mixture. Place sesame sticks, milk, feta cheese, bread, and mustard on floor. Stamp with bare feet until lumpy. Scrape up paste, and stir into sour cream. Sprinkle with oregano. Boil for 26 minutes at high heat. Garnish with parsley.

Serves 142.

I think that's what we eat on Mondays-- except they always call it "Special Stew". On Tuesday they feed us

Fried Green Lettuce

1 head of lettuce
2 carrots
1 jar of honey
1 tree (hardwood)
1 teaspoon brown sugar
1 tree toad

Cut and clean tree. Place in bowl. Chop carrots and mix in bowl. Dip frog in honey, slice, and mix in bowl. Tear lettuce. Sprinkle with sugar. Fry for thirteen minutes. Toss into bowl.

Serves 1.

"Fresh Tossed Salad".

Wednesday, pizza day, is my friend Meagan's favorite. Wait till she finds out she is eating

Delicious Left Handed Flea Bars

1 slice of sharp cheddar cheese
2 newts off the root of a banyan tree
1 pinch of iodized salt
1 family of left handed fleas
5 tablespoons of oregano
1 frisbee
1 squirt of ketchup

Squirt ketchup into frisbee and spread evenly. Garnish with cheddar cheese. Slice and apply newts on a root of a banyan tree, using special care to slice the newts lengthwise. Add fleas for texture. Sprinkle on oregano and salt. Bake for 91 minutes at 55 degrees.

Serves 4.

I'm not even going to mention what they serve on Thursday because I think if I do someone might come to haul my grandma away. Let me tell you something, though: Those little white things in the "meat loaf" aren't onions.

Friday we eat in the classroom while the teacher reads to us. I never noticed until I found the cookbook, but Mrs. Barnabas never eats hot lunch.

Bread Souffle

5 loaves of bread (wheat)
2 shiny lobsters
2 fatty hamburgers
1 package white rice
4 ounces green cheese
12 green eggs
1 ham
2 cups lasagna noodles
2 cups pink lemonade.
3 jars of honey
9 pounds of mustard
1 bay leaf
1 pound butter

Place hamburger , lobsters and rice in blender. Frappé. Pour resultant goo into mixing bowl. Stir in white rice, noodles, and lemonade. Place on low heat and let simmer. Mix ham, honey, mustard and eggs in blender. Refrigerate. Carefully add hot goo to cold goo. Bake for 6 days at 122 degrees. Serve bread and butter to students while baking proceeds.

Serves 103.

Last night my Grandma called mom and invited us to eat with her on Thursday. I love my Grandma--even more now that she doesn't wear that scary striped uniform around--but I don't care what mom and dad say, I'm not going to her house for dinner.

Especially on a Thursday.


Speaking of selling stories, Alfvaen, editor of the Big White Gazette, has sold another story. "Highway Closure", a depiction of modern folk magic in the highway country of western Alberta, has been sold to the anthology Tesseracts7, in the popular annual series of Canadian speculative fiction compilations. All the facts are not yet in, but guesses are that since Tesseracts6 is not out yet, it will be over a year before T7 is out. Still, it looks like e might be on the road to a Chrome Streak of publications. (Well, okay, there was one rejection in between, but still...)

In the Fantasy Billboard contest, /dev/joe's Godel Escher Bach is doing extremely well, still in the Top 50 in the third week. Will /dev/joe add yet another treasure find to eir tally? Slakko's Slakkology is also doing quiet well, as well as Crackfoo's CrackFoo label. Sonic Vynd is still in the running, of course; Ultima Records has been inactive lately, but if Godel Escher Bach falters in its fourth week, Balsamic Dragon may still have time to get back into the game.

In response to the recurring clamour for more treasure clues, Alfvaen notes only that e has tried to insert clues into what Malenkai describes as "must-describe harf" wherever possible. Of course, there are intermixed clues for three different treasures, but that's unavoidable. As Malenkai had also noted, some of the taglines Alfvaen has recently added are also an oblique clue to one of the treasures, though this was not really intentional. (And other taglines are also slightly helpful as well, though in an even more indirect manner than the oblique ones.)

Oh, yeah, the Big White Gazette also offers whatever greetings may be appropriate in this time when a lot of people are celebrating stuff.

Go to Alfvaen's Ackanomic page.

The Den of Ubiquity / Aaron V. Humphrey /