The Big White Gazette

"Wasting Bandwidth Since Yesterday"

This is a special Trinket Trivia edition of the Big White Gazette. This issue--Antiquities!

It is well-known that the Museum values highly trinkets which have been buried for more than the 60-day period which they consider sufficient to make a mere trinket into an Antiquity. With my recent researches, I present here a list of those Antiquities, and some others which are, or were, close.

The oldest Antiquity is, of course, the Crystal Grapefruit. Who knew, when it was buried, that it would take so long for its seemingly simple conditions to be fulfilled? Is this a comment on the lack of assiduousness of the gamesters of Ackanomic? Or just an indication of the slowness of play? In any event, with the imminent resumption of the game of Viruses, things may shortly be coming to a head. (More on that, perhaps, in a later issue.) In any case, with a whopping 248 days(at press time), this is our champion Antiquity.

Next, at 234 days, buried two weeks later, is the Jara treasure--the Map of Jara, the Fine Wooden Chest, Malenkai's Gold Coins, the Onyx Vase, and the Shades of Chorg. Malenkai has been heard to say more than once that he didn't think the Map of Jara treasure was "that hard". Well, obviously the treasure-hunting cadre of Ackanomians would disagree, and some may even have given up. And the other treasure...does it rely on the Map? Or are the cryptic Parade description and the words of Phoebe enough?

At 180 days is an Antiquity which may never be found! The Model of what might have been Jmmer's Butler, with its crypto-minimalist map, may never be found unless Jammer rejoins the august citizens of Ackanomic. It may someday surpass the above treasures...

Red Barn's Sceptre of Penguin Power will certainly languish over the summer as its inhumer takes an absence from our fair, flat land... In fact, little is known of this Antiquity, not even its description, and the fact that it has been buried for 155 days.

The enigmatic Jukkasjarvi Treasure is next, only one day less underground, for 154. With the recent redistribution of the Runestones, is there new hope for this treasure? Does it rely on the earlier treasures of Jara for vital clues? Perhaps this reporter is optimistic, but the days of this treasure may be numbered, and the Codex of Jara and the Golden Frog may not languish much longer beneath Ackanomian soil.

The location of Elves has been unknown for 132 days now, but its(their?) location still eludes treasure-seekers as well. This reporter has not heard much about this treasure, either from unsuccessful searches or from the burier eirself, but it still has a long way to go to reach the pinnacle of the Crystal Grapefruit.

The Tube Top of Kyle Bannor is another which may be lost, as founder and sometime player Ackers, recently given up as missing after his extended vacation, never came back to tell us why. This item has been buried for 119 days.

And then, the youngest Antiquity among the undiscovered treasures, at 109 days, the Alien Shaking Ball, whose highly individual treasure map has not yet been cracked.

As of this writing, the Wouf Houng is only five days away from the sixty-day limit, so it may take over from the Alien Shaking Ball the youngest buried Antiquity status.

Of perhaps more interest, though, are the Antiquities which have been unearthed. The Jade Key of Yara, now in the possession of stellar treasure-hunter /dev/joe, spent 97 days underground before being unearthed. The Chalice From The Palace was found by Guy Fawkes 86 days after being buried, and is now in the possession of collector mr cwm. And the Exquisite Dead Guy, in its second burial, spent 115 days underground before being unearthed by Alfvaen shortly after his arrival in Ackanomic, and is now buried again.

Finally, there are those items which the Arts and Antiquities community still mourns. The Staff of the Silicon Python spent 140 days below ground before being unearthed by /dev/joe, and was destroyed less than a month ago for cold hard cash. And then, at 59 days not a legal Antiquity, but considered an honorary one for the purposes of this column, the Bracelet of Conjuring, which, although buried at the same time as the Staff, spent only 59 days underground, and met its end on the same day and to the same cruel fate.

This issue of the Big White Gazette was sponsored by:

Alfvaen's Unique Trinkets

When you want a trinket with that personal touch, but don't have time to describe it yourself, talk to Alfvaen at, or come to Tamson House at kaa J8. Reasonable rates.